Our influence over dependant animals is enormous. Just changing our tone can influence then into a different emotional state, which we may be unconsciously controlling to elevate our own.
The Wisdom of Wildness: Healing the Trauma of Domestication – Ren Hurst.
This is the 5th principle that Ren Hurst explores in her book and her book mostly focusses on the use of “baby talk” with our dependants. You know it, that high pitched sickly sweet tone that we can put into the way we speak, to get something we want. There is also the opposite. The tone that is authoritative and demanding.
That tone we use can be manipulative and controlling whether high or low pitched, demanding or wheedling. The reason we use it is because of a fear within us. These fears can differ based on what we have been taught, and our own anxieties and needs.
Consider these actions:
Ask a horse to lift his foot so you can check for a stone.
Ask a dog to fetch a toy/ball and bring it back.
Ask a child to do the washing up.
Ask your partner to take the rubbish out.
How do you ask? What tone do you use? With me I am not a baby talker or wheedler. I am a lot more the other way. My tone can be aggressive and commanding which changes the request to a demand. I have worked with this a lot with the animals, to the point that I can ask anything of an animal and listen to the answer without wheedling or demanding. The magic happens when I am neutral in body, speech and tone.
But I struggle with people with this one. If I ask in neutral, and am ignored, it triggers a deeper more aggressive tone. If this is still ignored a controlled angry demanding tone comes into play which can trigger an argument. If an argument then spirals, then my tone changes to a very high pitched fast talking tone, like I am trying to get all my words out before thay can be dismissed. Note – I said ignored. This is not someone saying No. That is okay. That is a response. And we will discuss “Honoring Every No” in a later post. This is a learnt behaviour from working in Corporate Global Business for many years. A desire to be heard, especially as a woman in a mans world. And it is usually the males (or females with a masculine energy) that trigger the aggressive demanding tone in me. I am teaching myself to ask in neutral and then accept what comes back, even being ignored. This is what I have to work with, letting go of the fear of not being seen, not having my words considered important enough. You think you have figured it out, then somone will come along to challenge you again. But that is what learning and changing our perspective so we can live in peace is all about. It is a continuous journey.
The Baby Talk side I cannot abide. It sounds to me like fingernails on a blackboard. I have come across many women who use this tone, but not so many men. Using Baby Talk is also a controlling mechanism. It is more accepted though because it is not aggressive. It is more likely to obtain a submissive response, maybe frustration. It can also trigger aggression although this is usually what a ‘sweet talker’ fears. It is considered sweet, self-effacing even. But in actual fact it can be very manipulating because it is more accepted. Find a friend and have a conversation with each other, but use sweet talk throughout. How do you feel to be on the receiving end? How do you now feel using it?
Lets go back to our statements above. The type of tone you use can also change the words (and I will exaggerate a bit) :
Aggressive
Pick up your foot so I can remove that stone now.
Fetch. Give it back now.
Do the washing up or you don’t get…..
The rubbish needs to be taken out now.
Neutral
Please pick up your foot. I would like to help you.
Fetch it. Thank you.
Please do the washing up.
Please take out the rubbish when you have a minute.
Manipulative
Would you please pick up your foot so I can help you get rid of that nasty stone, you poor thing.
Fetch. Awh aren’t you a good boy!
Please wash up and you can have a biscuit/sweet.
Please help me out and take the rubbish out. Thank you. Kiss Kiss.
Interesting isn’t it. Of course when we start to move into neutral we have to learn acceptance. Accept whatever response you get, even when you know that response is coming from an emotional immature place. It is our job to be emotionally mature and accept all responses to a neutral request given in a neutral tone. When we don’t accept the response, even when there is no response, that is when our tone can change. That is when we can be triggered to change our words and tone, to become manipulative one way or another. We can only work with our own desires and fears.
As an addition to this is the other side of the coin -when tone is used towards you. This can very quickly put you into a place of using the tone you always fall back on, and this is when a spiral can occur. Sometimes a manipulative tone can trigger an aggressive tone and vice versa. So for example if somebody uses a manipulative tone with me, I will go in the opposite direction and respond in a dominant tone. I have seen aggressive talk being responded to by sweet talk, which is trying to douse the aggression with sugar, rather than neutral. Being emotionally mature anough to be neutral in the face of aggression or manipulation, and just say how you feel is challenging, but this is what ‘neutralises’ the aggression and manipulation. Another can’t dominate you if you are neutral. Another can’t manipulate you if you are neutral. But first we have to know our own tone fall back. Only then can we work out why we have and use it, and how to become neutral.
The words we use are also very important when speaking to others, about others, or thinking about ourselves. How often do we speak about ourselves without reverence? If you can change the way you speak to yourself, you will find that criticism and judgement of others starts to disappear. An exercise to start this off can be the ‘I am’ exercise. Always put a positive word at the end and then everytime you find yourself thinking negatively use the statement to bring yourself back to talking to yourself with reverence.
Speak Only with Reverance is a huge subject and can bring up very deep fears around self-esteem, positive thinking, judgment, and externalised power needs. When exploring this subject start with the simple things. Look at how you talk to your dependants, the words you use and the tone. Become neutral.
Always remember neutral is perfect balance.
