Honor Every No

Respect the No, persistently.

Consider this: Every argument, every war ever had in human history, started because a question was asked, the answer given was No, and this was not respected?

Now apply that to your everyday life.

How many times have you asked a question of your horse in a nice way, because you learnt to invite, rather than demand, (and that is a good thing), but still you get the No. How frustrating is that? How many times did you then keep asking and how frustrated did you get? At what point did you tell yourself that they don’t understand so I will show them what I mean, and do what was being rejected anyway? Me? I have done this many times, all my life.

Until I learned that curiosity happens when you persistently respect the No, instead of persistently asking the question.

If you have children, try this little exercise.

Your child will not eat the food placed in front of them. Instead of cajoling, telling, mumbling under your breathe, sending them to bed without dinner, offering a reward, telling them they will get sick, spouting off about wastefulness, etc, etc, say “Okay”. Respect the No. And do this persistently. Every time they say No respect it. Don’t worry about anything else except respecting that No. In time (and there is no specific time limit on this) the childs curiosity about food will rise and the No’s will become less.

And here is the important piece. Do not then get pleased or excited or start with the well dones, good kids, and so on. Don’t get into negative positives such as “Finally!” “That wasn’t so bad was it?!” statements. Sarcasm is an energy in itself and is the same energy as disrespecting the No.

In relationships we have gotten ourselves into a cycle of thinking that a No means we have to find a way of turning it into a Yes. We have been taught that we should want to “win”. But if you want to “win” then you are already on the path to a war. Stop wanting the Yes. Look for the No and accept it.

I was priveleged to work with a wonderful couple and their donkeys. One of the donkeys would not have her hooves trimmed. It was just “No”. And the No had become a fighting No because the first No hadn’t been respected. Not respecting a No persistently, creates a spiral, until all out war happens. This disrespect of her No had been all her life. She came to her current human companions at eleven years old. It took months of the humans’ respecting her No for the donkey to trust that her No would be honored everytime, and things then changed hugely. Now she is very happy having her hooves trimmed. As soon as the No’s were respected so many things fell into place. Trauma’s around head collars were released. Trauma’s about being tied up were released. Trauma’s around bad things happening after good things have been given, were released. She had gotten to the point of snatching treats because of the expectation of something being required of her in return (bribery). So many layers came up and were released. But not only for the donkey. For her people too. These people and the donkeys now have an amazing relationship based in trust. All because they persistently respected the No. (You can find more details of Anah and her humans on the website).

The difficult thing for us is that when we ask a question of our animals, there is often an energy behind our question that feels all tight and expectant, all wanting the right answer. The animals feel this. We have to change that feeling. We have to ask the question with no expectation of a right or wrong answer. And accept whatever answer comes. There is no right or wrong.

Accepting an answer does not mean then trying again in five minutes, or changing the way you put the question. Words to an animal mean nothing. It is the feeling behind the words they understand. However you word the question in your mind, the feeling is the same if you are still desiring a particular outcome, and this is what the animal responds to.

Respect the No to get the Yes, eventually. But not with a desire to get a Yes. If you are trying to change a No to a Yes through persistance, you will never get a Yes.

If you are willing to wait until your animal comes to you, and you feel that they want you to ask the question again (curiosity), that is when you will get the Yes. And that is the pivotal point when everything changes. That feeling when you sense deep down that your horse is saying “Ask me about the head collar” is the most beautiful feeling you can experience, because now you are having a conversation.

How can you find this feeling? Here are a couple of little things you can ask yourself and then work with:

How do I feel when I get a No?

Where do I feel that in my body?

Does it feel relaxed or peaceful, or is it tight and anxious, or even relieved? (Relief happens when you are asking something that you know deep down that you don’t want a Yes to really, but you believe that you should get a Yes because that is what you have been told is the right answer – this was a deep underlying feeling for me with one of my herd)

How do I feel when I get a Yes, and where do I feel that in my body?

Does that feel relaxed and peaceful, excited and in control, or worried and anxious?

And the most important question of all : What if I get a No?

Feel free to ask me questions about how to respect a No, persistently.

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