I was very edgy today (24th May 2020). Querida the pony had broken into a pasture again this morning. It is like she doesn’t care about her laminitis. Therefore maybe I shouldn’t either. Risada looks good today after losing some weight. Chocolate’s pulses are up again although she has been off grass, and she refused her muzzle today. So be it..its her feet. This is the sort of anger I am feeling at the moment. Like – “get on with it then, be in pain until you can’t stand up anymore and the only thing left is to die”. I am probably not the only one that has felt this way as the spring grasses come in. I have spent a lot of hours with laminitis energetically, considering it meditationally, connecting to the ponies healing intelligence to see if I can support them in any way. I haven’t shared some of those sessions in this website.
There is something deep within me about this. I don’t know what it is, so I decided to ask myself some intellectual questions to see if something would reveal itself.
If we are all on our own soul journey is each of the ponies laminitis part of their own journey? Or because I get so emotional about it is it my journey? Is it our journey? If nothing is separate then it is our journey. Our energetic journey anyway. The physical journey – is that different? Is this all about the illusion of separation from the whole?
How do I know when I have completely let go of it energetically, as opposed to my ego ‘ignoring’ it? Many times I thought I had let it go, given back responsibility, let go of control, followed my energy in managing it. Is this the next layer – stop managing it? Is this another layer of the control illusion?
If I can let it go ‘consciously’, in energy, without any egoic feelings, what then? Is this my ego again worrying about the future which is an illusion of time?
If I consciously let it go will the ponies as well, and will they become healthy? Or is this my ego again wanting an unknown, needing them to be healthy, the illusion of control? How will my farrier feel about me letting go of it? But this question already feels wrong somehow. This goes back to society rules and doesn’t sit well within me. But there is probably a fear there still of not appearing to be doing everything in my power to make the horses pain free, comfortable. If I consciously let it go and the horses can go forward on their own energetic and physical journeys this issue doesn’t exist, does it?
Why can’t we heal this? Me and the herd. What is blocking us? What is the source of this? Why does Querida and Risada eat and eat until they are overweight and their systems react? Why does Chocolate get laminitis at the first sign of a blade of new grass? Why doe neither Timmy nor Neige have a problem? They are on the same grass. I suppose a similar question is ‘Why does Timmy crib and nobody else does? Is this a different part of the same question? To be honest the only time I see Timmy crib at the moment is when I think about it. So maybe putting it in focus makes it happen. Have I put more focus on laminitis this year by working on letting it go, instead of just letting it go? “Working on it” is doing, is ego, is looking for an outcome. Maybe I need to consciously allow it to leave, rather than working on letting it go. Words are irrelevant really but they are sinking into my energy. It feels more like a shift can occur now, but it still isn’t about ‘allowing’ it to leave. Is it about recognising that it doesn’t consciously exist? It exists as a physical manifestation. But does it exist in the conscious present? What is it now? Is it now? Can it be in the present?
It felt like I had done enough ‘thinking’. It was time to go deeper. This has got to be one of the longest and deepest connections I have had to date.
I went into a meditation and asked the laminitis question. What is the source of this laminitis?
I felt a deepening sadness as I sensed a huge amount of suffering. It felt like the pain of laminitis was manifesting itself, becoming larger and larger. I felt it cross into human kind, into all beings. It was profoundly sad and I could feel the suffering deep within myself, deeper than myself. It was as though I could feel it in everything, in the air, in the earth. A manifestation of the suffering that humans have caused themselves. The fences they have put around everything. Not only in the physical world but around their own souls. I cried for them. Tears pouring down my face. Unbelievable sadness at what has become the soul prison. I could sense a huge weeping for lost freedom. I could feel the pain of all the beings that have been trapped within this human suffering. I could feel something awakening, wanting to break through the barriers but not knowing how. I could feel the support of the herd throughout, their souls showing me the pain, the suffering, showing me how we have been leading to this moment, this understanding. As I remained in the depths of these overwhelming feelings, I started to feel very very old, like my body was ageing and withering, skin sagging and falling, bones becoming brittle and crippled.My body was leaving. My world went grey. I asked the universe what I should do with this knowledge. The horses replied ‘Now we heal’.
