Giving Chocolate back responsibility for herself has been the hardest journey for me, and it probably is not altogether over yet, but we have moved forward a long long way in our relationship.
I am letting go of managing her, worrying about her, sharing my anxieties with her. I am allowing her relationship with grass to be perfect and to manifest itself in her body as perfect, all part of healing energetically the chemical imbalances I wrote about recently.
This last week I have had some amazing energetic sessions around understanding the nature of energetic healing, which in turn has allowed me to give responsibility back to Chocolate. I am going to share each of those sessions with you from my journal, which will make for a long read, but without the journey the outcome will not make sense.
“I felt very annoyed yesterday but got to the bottom of it I think. It was about not understanding the energetic healing in relation to physical time. That is, if you sense something healing energetically why doesn’t it manifest itself physically in the same time frame. I think this came up not because I don’t understand it. I think I had acknowledged it in a way because my own physical healing always takes a period of time after an energetic treatment, as does my horses. But having laminitis coming in again it was time to deal with this nugget energetically.
By acknowledging that time is an illusion I had a very interesting session with regards to healing and what it is really.
Risada came in first and I connected and I just felt her energy as pure flow. She showed me that and it was really interesting because it was different again for me to see the flow throughout the body. And there were no chinks, no blocks, just flow. At the same time I felt my own energy flow through my own body and could sense a little bit more physical healing immediately into my neck and shoulders, but it wasn’t ‘physical healing’ which feels so heavy, it was just a change in the flow, a minor alteration.
Then I connected with Chocolate or she came to me..it doesn’t matter. I could sense her flow immediately and again this was different to Risada’s, it felt a little heavier in general, but then I sensed how she is healing herself and the heaviness felt right. I sensed the timelessness of it with her help and then sensed her energy lighten, like this was all that was needed, an abandonment of the desire to see her physically perfect now or ever.
Timmy came in and again his flow was different. I could sense a lot of gaps in his flow. It is like he has energy circles throughout his body, little eddies of energy whirling around themeselves, rather than a flow. That acknowledgement was enough for him.
Neige was lovely but there was a break in her energy flow between the front of her and the back of her. I have felt this before but I didn’t really know what I was looking at, but I acknowledged it this morning as a different sensation, a break in the pattern of her energy, that I can’t explain very well. She then got physically quite agitated for a bit, and I sensed that going deeper at this point was not the right thing to do.
The only horse that had not come around to the shelter to join in the connection and meditation was Querida. All the above had put their heads over the gate one at a time and then physically left when their particular session had played out. But Querida didn’t physically join in. I looked for her energy and she connected with me quickly, quicker than she ever has before. And it was strong!. She immediately took me to her energetic system from head to heart, and then I sensed the patterns within her energy, and where the energy traps were and the Labradorite crystal which I had in my hand throughout everything suddenly came to life and it felt like it was trying to burn through my hand, it got so hot. Then I sensed everything starting to flow smoother and freer, and again I got a sense of timelessness from the connection. Intellectually I knew Camille had done a number of remote treatments with her and it felt like all the energy traps I sensed were where Camille had explained them in her physical body. And this is where the timelessness of everything is so weird but I can feel it now, that time is illusory. I believe Camille had helped Querida with her patterns and she was healing physically in Camille and Queridas energetic plane. I also believe she couldn’t do that in our (Querida and my) energetic plane because I hadn’t let go of this time illusion, and I hadn’t yet finally acknowledged how healing works.
So through this session the universe, through Querida, gave me another little gift of understanding. Healing is sensing the flow of energy, but while I was starting to fundamentally understand that in the connection, I also felt a huge sense of separation between Querida and me, and then between each of the herd and me. It felt like the latest release of responsibility and I also felt a change in my own sense of responsibility for myself as well. It wasn’t a separation in the sense of cutting everything off and putting a circle around each individual. It was a better understanding of how only you can heal yourself, and all everybody else can do is support that healing. I am not sure how the support works in intellectual terms but I can sense it. I think what happens is that we change the flow with our focus, so in order for somebody to heal they need to rebalance and to do that it may be that sometimes focus needs to be removed, not provided.
So if I go back to the start of everything when Camille first came to help me with my horses, what we started to do was to remove the focus, the laser glare that caused energy to build up and have nowhere to go. Its taken me two years to get to this light bulb moment ..
Risada and I are now moving forward in a really nice way. We have released a lot of defensiveness and anxiety and the vicious circle we were in as described in the book has been broken. For a long time Risada was very sensitive in her skin and only really wanted her bum or tummy scratched. Body grooming had to be quick and hard. Light touches were not allowed, they just drove her up the wall. But today she came in for a hands on healing session. Whenever I have tried this technique with her before she has either walked away or tried to bite me. Something has been bothering her in her back leg for a long time now. She has often tried to show me, but because we were not in the right place energetically we couldn’t really engage with the problem.
In the last week or so I have had a light bulb understanding moment about energetic healing and that is that only we can heal ourselves energetically. But understanding that an individual (horse or human) is responsible for their own healing, means that we also understand when we as an individual would like some assistance, and we have the courage to ask for that. That is when learning to connect energetically really comes into its own. We can understand when the animal is asking for assistance through really sensing what ‘needing nothing’ from us feels like. Nothing is the base, the norm. Then you wait for the something, the difference, the ask. Then you can do whatever feels right.
This is a video of this mornings session. You will see a big acknowledgement at about 6 minutes and I stay with that for a little while longer until she drops her head and neck and walks away. Everything here is her choice. She may fidget and move at times. That is because she is aware of something happening and it maybe a little uncomfortable, but she stays with the healing.
13th April – And to Chocolate
Letting go and looking for nothing, i.e. no problems, or putting it another way looking for ‘perfect’, bought Chocolate to me this morning. I bought amethyst and labradorite crystals to the session as well. It was an amazingly soft connection, first feeling the perfect flow of energy within myself, then within each crystal and then within Chocolate. It felt like she was happy and smiling all the time we were connected. I sensed her perfection.
When I sensed that I then felt myself fall into her feet. It was a falling in sensation, an enveloping. Then I could feel the perfection of her hooves and see that perfection coming into fruition. I then journeyed through her body and everything was lovely and anything that was slightly out of shape moved back into shape. I spent a little time behind her sacrum in the shape of her back legs connection into the spine and then it was gone and all working perfectly. Then back falling into her feet and again a reshaping of bone and laminae and the entire hoof. Then I sensed her eating and could feel the relationship of her body with the grass and she was smiling again, enjoying the grass, knowing it was not harmful. The crystals were alternating between each other but it was a consistent soft vibration from them, like they were just confirming, finalising things.
And now we just wait for the physical to catch up – feeling everything is perfect..